Cochina Sinverguenza

Cadillac Records - DVD Review

2009-04-01T14:44:00.001-07:00

Black people invented everything that is cool… Cadillac Records proves my theory.

Watch as folk music matures into blues and is transformed into rock n’ roll. Rock n’ roll is then imitated and made famous by white people.

Beyonce is a bang up Etta James… unbelievable at first, but eventually convincing. Etta James is the alleged illegitimate child of Minnesota Fats, according to the film and Wikipedia.

Adrien Brody is Leonard Chess, a polish immigrant who opens a club and finally a recording studio.

Muddy Waters is discovered along the way. Muddy is/was my late father’s favorite bluesman – that fact alone made the DVD worth my while.

Mos Def is genius and hilarious as Chuck Berry.

There are 0 penis shots in this Bluesy/R&B flavored film

Drama, True Story, Romance, Comedy

MOVE TO THE TOP OF YOUR QUEUE!

Cochina’s DVD rating scale: MOVE TO THE TOP OF YOUR QUEUE!/RENT THIS/LEAVE IT ON THE SHELF

Ding How - Review

2009-04-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

We've been getting fucked on sushi lately. We love sushi but get effed harder and harder with every outing.

No matter, there will be another Tuesday. We usually have a film to see immediately following, so we allow 2 hours for dinner.

We understand sushi is a fine art and should not be rushed.

Ding How, Liberty Lake is located in a strip mall anchored by Albertson's Grocery. Sushi, Thai, Indonesian, Chinese, Korean and Japanese food is served. They were once described to us as 'the best sushi in the Northwest' according to Jeremy Wallis, fellow sushi-goer one time.

The Las Vegas Roll is not typical of the standard deep-fried Las Vegas Roll. It's topped with spicy tuna, sirachi, teriyaki drizzle with a California Roll center, finished with tempura crispies and green onion curls. This roll is absolutely delicious and wants for nothing. One roll would satisfy a person with a healthy BMI.

The Monkey Balls are exciting little (HUGE) treats! A medium sized mushroom is hollowed out, stuffed with tuna and cucumber then tempura-fried (is that like saying fried-fried?).

The Pearl Roll sounds like an exotic adventure (wrapped in cucumber instead of nori). Don't waste your time. Boring little disks of gay blandness. LAAAAME.

Their General Tso's Chicken is utterly delicious and comes out hot and fast. We asked for 'inedibly hot'; it was served about 4 out of 5 stars.

The Sake Salmon was a hit with Meghan Connelly, Sake Salmon expert taster who said 'Coool, look how much I got!' - we found out later the server put in an order of Sashimi instead of Nigiri.
Our sushi came 1 hour and 20 minutes after ordering. Two adjacent tables and the bar were served before us (1 of those tables arriving later).

Be warned! Ding How offers huge bigass fuckin' sushi boats and they take about 40 minutes to build. Two came out during our wait. Before ordering sushi at Ding How, look around... are there large fatties capable of eating a boatload of sushi? If so, ask your sushi order to be a rush. Try not to sit in the section with the green sparkly eye-liner clad server - she licks major balls and is a complete dumbfuck who will mess up your order.

If you see a stretch pant wearing brunette patron who is not me; try to avoid her. She will stare at your empty tabletop the entire time while eating delectable sushi treats from her sushi bar perch. She will almost get punched in the stupid cute face. Who does she think she is wearing stretch pants? She's not me.

Be serious.

GO - BUT ALLOW 3 HOURS

Watchmen - Review

2009-04-01T13:37:00.001-07:00

Watchmen is flat out the coolest fucking movie I’ve seen and will see all year long! If there are awards for being ridiculously fucking badass and bitchen’ then Watchmen wins. Eff it, I’m giving it the RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING BADASS AND BITCHEN’ award right now.

I have no idea WTF it’s supposed to be about. I have never owned a graphic novel, nor have I read a comic book. I have the feeling though; if I had; I’d be less impressed as its described as impossible to movie-ize it.

There are 48± penis shots in this fantastic artsy thriller.

Date (if you have a sizable unit), Thriller, Comedy, Fantasty, Sci-Fi

BUY A TICKET!

Cochina Scale: BUY A TICKET!/WAIT FOR DVD-PPV/WAIT FOR NETWORK PREMIERE/FUCK IT ALTOGETHER

The Last House on the Left - Review

2009-04-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

"I love to swim"

The Last House on the Left depicts how most parents feel when leaving a teenage horror film. “if someone ever did that to MY daughter – I’d fuck them up so bad they’d be begging for mercy!” I’ve said that myself a hundred times at least. I fantasize about the lengths I’d go to protect her.

A high-school swimming phenom is bored at the summer lake cabin and wants to escape to the local grocery store, she’d also like to take the family SUV. Mom says NO, Dad says YES – it is assumed the parents will have a romantic dinner alone and some sex… or perhaps I assumed.

Many spliffs later our Phenom is thrust into high-action trauma at the hands of a rapist, his slightly mentally underdeveloped brother and an ugly hot chick with “gross boobies” per Meghan Connelly, a fellow moviegoer.

We find the Phenom’s parents at home, quietly not having sex. The bad guys enter and are discovered, then royally fucked up by Mom and Dad.

On the Cochina reality scale; this movie rated poorly with an ‘Okay, That’s Just Total Bullshit – I Don’t Care if it’s a Movie!’ score. A microwave can not operate without closing the door.

The actors’ lackluster adrenaline couldn’t trigger my ‘suspension of belief’.

Date Movie, Horror, Thriller, Comedy

WAIT FOR DVD-PPV!
Cochina Scale: BUY A TICKET!/WAIT FOR DVD-PPV/WAIT FOR NETWORK PREMIERE/FUCK IT ALTOGETHER

The Haunting in Connecticut - Review

2009-04-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

I love true stories. “Usually 10% of a story is always 99% true” according to Mike Gregg, a fellow frequent moviegoer.

Haunting in Connecticut is based on the Snedaker family, who in the 80s experienced paranormal circumstances upon moving into a former mortuary/funeral home.

A young man afflicted with cancer is visited by a Sigmund Freud-esque mortician and his blazer-clad young assistant. The basement/former funeral home lobby, is also frequented by dead patrons bedazzled in an ancient script which probably doesn’t exist… nor do their eyelids.

Other family members do not or cannot see the ghosts because they are not yet ‘dying’ as is the afflicted young man. For some reason though – toward the end of the film; the entire family begins to start dying; because they too can suddenly see the apparitions.

Haunting uses the refreshing age-old scary movie - hold your breath, suspense technique before throwing its viewer into a spasmodic jump accompanied by a yelp upon the discovery of i.e. eyelid-less freak at the foot of your bed, hooded dark shadow-man participating in a game of hide and seek, burn-victim who mysteriously growls like a junglecat, etc.

Date Movie, Thriller, Horror, Comedy

BUY A TICKET!

Cochina Scale: BUY A TICKET!/WAIT FOR DVD-PPV/WAIT FOR NETWORK PREMIERE/FUCK IT ALTOGETHER

American Idol

2009-03-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season_8/megan_joy/
COME ON! be serious. really? i've witnessed better talent in a north idaho bar located in a strip mall... which by the way is the last place on earth where one can smoke an entire pack of cigarettes without opening a window and it's cool.

OctoMom

2009-03-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

Having given birth to a singular human myself, I can't see how octobabies happen without octopussies. The only time 8 different humans should come out at the same time is if there are 8 different vaginas. As far as the Bizzaro Jolie face; it's like MTV's Pimp My Ride... when all is said and done, despite the spoiler and Nintendo in the trunk, it's still a Ford Escort.

May God help her.

Kentia Street

2009-01-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

Her chin atop the window sill she watches. A motor rumbles and slows on the street below. Not him.

She searches and finds her brother's eyes... he's not worried. She wonders if he's as excited about the adventures they'll share with him this weekend. East Beach? State Street? Opa and Oma's house? A mountain side adobe? "I'll pick you up at 6 o'clock", he told her.

From her plaster microcosm she darts down the hall to her mother's room where the clock stares back at her. 8:00. She moves the dial back until the numbers stop flapping. Back to 6 o'clock and back at her perch. She repeats this ritual a few times before collapsing in the sorrow of realization.

"Deedee, you know - if you catch a piece in the air it can burn right through your fingers" he warned as she lay perpendicular to him fascinated by the gold floating specks. She doubts him and pierces the beam with her index finger. She's happy he's wrong. His smell relaxes her as she continues exploring the dull sparkle in a world of directional light right above her nose.

Today, beams of light provide her all she needs to reflect upon their short time together. Dust in beaming rays of sunshine, an accidental glance at her own reflection, worn leather on a passer-by or irridescent abalone bring her instantly back to him.

On her best behavior with red knee socks in the wooden seat at the courthouse she is told "if he shows; he can contest losing his rights and still be your dad".

The double doors never open behind her, she waited and watched. He never came. No magic clock.

Her hand in her mother's they walk along the corridor's shiny, loud floors. She searches for him in every stranger's face. Outside she inhales, welcoming the sunlight and at 6 years old; she closes her heart to hope.

Late last summer she walked the hospital corridors in search of him. Shiny floors, doors ajar with strangers inside. She wondered at the maladies and hoped they were loved.

Strangers. She is visiting a stranger she thought might be dead before her arrival. His doctors asked that she arrive as soon as possible as the inevitable seemed upon us.

Following her Tante and beside her Cousin she is devoid of function and of feeling yet appears before him.

His voice; while strained is a familiar comfort which immediately flows love back to her heart through her ears as she takes his hand.

He was gone and joined his parents that September.

Today she waits eagerly to again hold pieces of him. His wallet kept her photo where he placed a sketched heart on a yellow Post-it just above her face. A tiny box made of abalone found in his apartment, her birth announcement glued to the inside of the lid. Her birthday scrawled in his datebook for every year he missed.

Tiny pieces of the truth. He loved her.